I believe in Love – that was step one.
That post sounds so mature and put together. It truth, love and questions about love can be rattling and unraveling. The potential merging of two worlds, already powerful enough in their existence, into a single world is bound to release a storm. Two sharpened edges creates friction.
But haven’t we been told that love is more? It can span distances and time, it can speak when words are not present, it can be irrational, bold, courageous and full of mystery in the best of ways. These are the common plots of books, movies, theater, music, old and new.
This message of an overcoming love mixed in alongside the message that love is for perfect people with perfect bodies and perfect lives that are so perfect they are worth spending time observing on a screen makes a strange reality. We end up with beautiful people finding amazing lives as they ride around on award-winning steeds, travel the world and have no worries about money or loneliness or death.
Real life doesn’t have the easy reconciliation of our daily entertainment. Things aren’t solved in the 22 minute plus commercial time slot.
Drama is uncomfortable in real life because there are unscripted feelings involved. Reality is long term, arguments mean something, hesitation is reacted to, and 2 hours later we could be no closer to figuring something out than we were at the start.
And, today, that is the problem I have with Love.
Love isn’t something that is reconciled easily.
In my reality there is a different kind of story being played out. The main character is a girl, said to be cute. She has a nice smile and loves to laugh. On her best days she is an avid reader, an intelligent conversationalist, a witty comedienne that makes people feel comfortable in their own skin and is fiercely generous. On her worst she is an extreme over-analyzer with a sharp tongue, has internal walls barely able to be scaled and harbors a brat-like stubborn persuasion.
When she looks back on life and love there are questions and feelings that don’t have a place or steady legs. Stories that ended suddenly with no angry mother to steal the love notes – just ended. Connections of depth and strength that went nowhere. Sometimes there is a void in places where feelings should be by all logic and reason. The debits and credits don’t add up, and there is no explanation for it.
I had a dream once.
In this dream I am walking through the pearly gates of Heaven. As I am ushered down the long aisle, surrounded by crowds and crowds of people and commotion, my eyes scan out into the faces and lock on a deeply familiar gaze. In a moment, a strikingly authentic and powerful sense of gratitude passes between me and this man in the crowd and I know that our lives on Earth were lived in service to each other and our destination in the Courts.
I tear up a little thinking of it and how this vision of life together is not a dream I am currently living.
Love is not easily reconciled.