Past and Future

It has been six days since my last post about unfriending a certain someone from my past. I have spent the week receiving messages that support my decision and comments that the post encouraged others to protect their hearts and move forward in cutting the ties that bleed emotions dry. [A hearty “Good For You!” to those making the courageous decisions to sever and bandage.]

Tonight I sit here, feeling at once more free and more alone than I have in recent history. There is a grateful release that happened as I stopped being able to secretly peer into his life. There is room where I once felt claustrophobic  There is even a sense of hope and whimsy when it comes to love.

But these things are not without a bit of grief and mourning. As I admit to sad feelings and confess them here, I keep finding more room in my heart. As I move from a connection with someone to thoughts about my unknown future, I find that I have discovered a dream that I couldn’t picture before. It is an independent film with the most beautifully artistic cinematography, capturing light and shadow and sunrise, also containing the most terrible plot line of brokenness and heartache and an as yet unwritten ending.

I always fancied myself a different type of girl. I didn’t plan my wedding, I didn’t even like going to weddings. I didn’t name my future children, didn’t even think I wanted children. I have not spent time gazing at dresses and flower arrangements, soundtracks started on my iTunes for entrances and dances, yearning to live and love as I tended a home and raised a family.

These things, this type of traditional life, was just not on my radar. I was single, traveling, experiencing and not having to answer to many people. I was a taker unwilling to give up my dreams for some man, calling it “refusing to settle” when I was just proud of my own identity and afraid of letting go and fading into the shadows.

Until him.

Somehow, over the course of a couple of years, I began to see these more widely accepted life moments as pieces of my future. Wedding, marriage, children. Fights and laughter. Joys and picket fences. I honestly, in the very depth of my heart, felt myself wanting his success more than my own, being willing to give whatever it took to see his dreams come true. It might sound trite, but it was there and I was excited for it. I was ready for the mundane, not feeling the wanderlust or the constant craving for newness. My daydreams weren’t long trips overseas or exotic experiences; they were sitting around our dining room table, welcome homes at the end of the day dreams.

And that loss of possibility is what I mourn and attempt to move into a realm less connected to him and more connected to a vagueness happening in my future. I was awakened to a potential that hadn’t existed in my scope of understanding before and I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water. If his purpose in my life was to open a door, than why would I close it just because he isn’t there anymore?

I am taking this moment to say that I see positive in the brokenness and I am moving towards believing I can take the best out of it and leave the pain behind.

Here is what I want to take:

That I can feel the depth of love that I had previously only heard fairy tale stories about.

That I do desire to live life with and support someone in their dreams as we grow together.

That I can get butterflies.

That I am worth the time and effort of getting to know deeply.

That my future is good and the man I will live it with great.

What do you take with you from the pain of your past? What are the good things, the worthy things that you can count on as you move into the positive potential of your future?

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