I have always fancied myself a woman with gumption. You know, courage, resourcefulness, spunk, guts. I imagine myself someone who holds on tight and gives a lot.
But lately I have been feeling empty and I don’t know what to do about it. When I feel empty every little thing – good or bad – throws me into emotional chaos. I don’t see the world clearly when I am empty and I don’t approach tough situations well when I feel empty.
Last week I was at a church service when I finally realized that part of my emotional roller coaster was caused by this empty feeling and I as I prayed I got the impression that my pouring out was creating a new, deeper vessel to be filled. For some time this brought me comfort. I found that looking towards the filling at least sustained me, but now, just a week later, the emptiness is more powerful than the promise and I am having a hard time within these feelings.
I don’t want to hinder or squander what God is doing in my heart. I want to be the woman he created me to be. I want to love well. I want to give freely. I want to be generous and gracious. I want to be someone seen as wise and kind. But this sucks. This current state of feeling my inner vessel steadily drain out is revealing some cracks and rust that is painful to deal with.
For the first time that I can remember I went wandering today in the woods and did not come back feeling rejuvenated. I felt weary and tired. It signifies to me that I am, indeed, reaching the end of my graciously sustained steadiness. My arms meant to embrace, are getting tired. My eyes meant to see goodness, have grown fatigued. My soul meant to connect, is petitioning to run far, far away.