The words tumbled out messily . . .

Banksy

Banksy

It was a simple task: Write a short story about if you could be and do anything you wanted (i.e. a perfect life). Use extra paper if necessary.

I put the workbook down on the coffee table, closed it and pushed it away as if the question didn’t just prick my heart. As if the pain of answering it could be avoided. And there it sat for a few days. When I finally went back to it the following lines came out:

I would be surrounded by books, cozy in a small room with a fire and a wave of inspiration. I would put words to paper that changed people’s lives and set them free. I would tell stories and awaken hearts, move mountains and pierce the hearts of the Kings enemies. I would travel from idyllic setting to idyllic setting taking breaks to eat, to drink, to meet, to work and to learn from the people and culture around me. I wouldn’t be afraid of anything I put on paper, and I would call my agent every so often to get report of lives changed and people connecting with the deepest parts of themselves to the glory of God. My soul would be full and I would not be lonely. I would love people crazy well.

The words tumbled out messily. They came out unedited. They painted a picture of what I secretly dream life would look like for me. At the time I didn’t consider that I would have to read them aloud to a group of woman also taking the week to write a few lines about their perfect lives. I didn’t consider that this dream is full of disappointment and a level of pain I have been avoiding. I didn’t consider that there was enough grief involved in this admittance to fill a jar with the tears it could produce. I just wrote it down, shaky handed and in secret.

When it came time to share the answer with the small group I only got to the word “cozy” before I started crying. I tried to explain that I felt that this dream life was once a possibility for me, but that I had been struggling for years with the feeling that it had been taken away, that I had wasted my time and been seen as unworthy of keeping the task. I have blamed myself and I have blamed God for the circumstances and changes that have happened that don’t line up with my dream.

I tried to explain that writing has become more of a fear than a dream to me and that I struggle with the possibility of failing and the chance that I will be called a fraud or a hypocrite.

And that is where this story is. I pray earnestly that it is not the end. I hope beyond hope that courage sets in.

“Dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you.” Marsha Norman

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7 thoughts on “The words tumbled out messily . . .

  1. Your sharing really touched me and brought up my block issues – been working on them for years! Thanks for being so honest and open – it really helped remind me – and put words to my struggle and what I learned from it. You have such love and I believe the closer you are to your purpose, the more you’ll be attacked. Be strong. You have so much to give that’s life-changing and important. You clearly and very obviously have a very special way of showing all that love inside you and God would not have given you this gift and desire if you weren’t the one he wants to deliver His messages in your very unique way. Joy to you!

    • Thank you so much for your kindness and affirmation. It is well received and very meaningful to me. I hope to do something with these “gifts” and hope more that the journey I am on now will bring me to believe in them more. Thank you for walking with me for a ways.

  2. Courageous and worthy…most definitely words that come to mind whenever I read your blog. You words always touch my heart…what a wonderful gift!

  3. I find it ironic that you don’t feel your writing worthy because whenever I read your posts, I am always impressed by your style of writing and particularly your descriptions (“…to fill a jar with tears…”). When I read your posts, there is always a point where I think ‘wow, I wish I could write like that.’

    Your post “Response” comes to mind. You so elequently said exactly what I was feeling and you didn’t give the act any power by naming it or the details – you wrote precisely what I was wanting to write except I could not find the words – hence the reason I reblogged it.

    Believe wholeheartedly in yourself. Truly envision the life you want. Take steps toward achieving it. I-Heart-Change – those three words say it all. Embrace each one individually to become the whole person you are meant to be.

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