I have a draft sitting in this blog called “Doubt, Divorce, Sex and what God Really Says to Heathens”. It is really long and would probably have to be posted in three to six separate articles to actually get read. It starts like this:
I don’t want you to feel alone. Those who doubt and find their hearts rebelling against the status quo of judgment and rejection, I am with you. You who need to know that there is more to the power of love and peace than we have given an opportunity to, I need to know, too. Those who look at organizations and structures and see hypocrisy and pain, I have been there. If you have started to believe that what we believe seems to be getting smaller, more exclusive and less founded on the truths of love, forgiveness, healing and redemption, I also want to re-imagine a grander, more extraordinary and beautiful belief that covers our failures and serves people well and brings lives together instead of ripping them apart. I share here only because I wonder if my story can nod to your questions and encourage you to keep going, if my pain and separation will allow you to reconnect and if my doubt will strengthen your resolve to find the answers.
I started writing it earlier this week and have probably spent more time developing, editing, shifting, reorganizing and expounding than on any other thing I have ever written. Double-digit paged research papers haven’t gotten this much attention from me.
As I put letter and word and sentence and paragraph down I got more and more unsure about the way I was expressing what I felt. It seemed to toe the line to bitter and that wasn’t what I wanted. Good points about love and peace would get overshadowed by rants about disappointment. I stopped crafting it and started pondering only to realize that I don’t think I love well enough yet to write what I was writing.
I don’t want to blast the moments or events that have hurt me, hurt my faith or hurt my chance at healthy relationships. I want to express a deep need for change and revolution, but not out of hate or rage or anger. I want to share my story honestly hoping that someone won’t walk away from God after they read it, someone else might realize they aren’t alone, a person I don’t know could be encouraged, but I can’t do that with so much pain still unresolved.
So, Doubt, Divorce, Sex and what God Really Says has remained unpublished and in process. Like me. And the tagline to this blog – Everything, Unedited – becomes a bit of a lie because this one thing that is everything to me goes unpublished and highly edited.