I am a curious soul. I look for interesting adventures in the world, in books, in knowledge. I long to understand more and experience great and amazing things. I have one of those spirits that accepts the entire world as its playground and seeks to see it all. In the amount of travel I have done, in the study I have taken on and the experiences I have had, there is one elusive subject that I just can not get, have yet to fully experience, and am often terrified to dive into. Love.
Love is confusing to me. I don’t understand what it is about it that has always made it just out of reach. When every little step and piece seems to come together in an amazing boy meets girl story, I follow what appears to be a beautiful path to a sudden cliff again and again. Relationships that appear to have all the right working parts suddenly stop and I don’t get it. I don’t ever get it.
In my most recent relationship I noticed that I was anticipating that sudden drop off and held myself back just waiting for it. Then, one day, I let go and I wrote in my journal that night that I wanted to be free to feel, to love, to not hold back, to anticipate our future, to be excited and enthusiastic about all that could transpire. I wrote over and over again that I wanted to be free from that worry that it was about to end and free to be myself. It felt so good to accept that I would grow and experience deep feelings for someone that was worth the risk. It was a huge release of my fears and I was so excited to jump in to what could be a truly wonderful and, in my head, long lasting dream.
The very next day he called and said the opposite. He said he didn’t love me and felt like he should and that we weren’t where we should be in our relationship in order to keep going.
The thing is, this isn’t the first time I have experienced a break-up shortly after I talk myself into releasing my heart. Looking back over my life the four most important relationships I have experienced all have ended just as I was ready to jump fully in. Four significant men that stayed with me until the moment I internally admit that I want to stay with them. Then my own wrestling and newly accepted vision of the future gets dropped over the cliff along with my sensitive heart and the echo of the canyon saying, “See, every time.”
I have had the privilege of dating high quality men with amazing lives. I am not talking about terrible people here, please do not blame them for my hurting heart. They have been full of character and creativity, full of adventure and care, generous and funny. They have treated me well, taken care of me, and been worthy of the feelings that I had for them. They are good men. So, what is missing?
The analytical part of my mind can only come to one conclusion – something is missing. Missing with me? Maybe. Missing with them? Maybe. Missing in the Universe? Maybe. Something out there is not in order.
Let me guess, at this point, dear reader, you want to comfort me with some promise that the future is different or that there is a reason and it will all come together when I meet the right person. Please don’t. I have met “right” people by all the standards set out in the attempt to qualify great relationships. I have met the man that works hard to communicate and be honest. The man that supports my dreams better than any other person I know. The man that inspires me to be a better version of myself. The man that makes me feel good in my own skin. I have met that man. He didn’t love me back. The one I can be in a small space with, the one that knows how to make me feel better, the one that shares a vision for the future, priorities, even finances. He didn’t love me back.
And that is the hard part about love. The checklist that everyone wants you to create doesn’t actually mean anything. The right pieces and parts don’t equal love. None of the four men I am thinking of in this writing had any complaints about who I am. They all think I am great. That is part of the sucky thing – being a great woman and girlfriend, being supportive, encouraging, helpful, sexy, adventurous, funny, smart, magical . . . those things haven’t added up to being loved.
Today, that is why I have such a hard time with love. I want so badly to love someone with the deepest part of my heart. I would be honored to spend my life doing so. I want the bad days, the frustrations, the fights, I want the good days, the vacations, the big decisions. I want the normal, the grocery shopping, the random movie nights. And, yet, I sit here writing this blog alone in a coffee shop feeling like it doesn’t make any sense for a girl with so much to give to be placed over and over again in a situation where she isn’t able to.
I am struggling. I don’t know if I can believe in Love…