It was late. We had a long day of adventure and beauty and my friend L and I were ending it sitting at my dining room table, wrapping up some to-do lists and mindlessly scanning through social media.
It happened in an instant, uncontrolled and painful. I saw his face on the screen, saw his words and thought “That could have been….”
Before I could stop it my heart reminded me how disappointed I was that this big, dreamy potential relationship was accessible no more and I let out a weak sigh of resignation. The time that had passed answered questions, freed and healed – except when it was the middle of the night and I was weak and tired.
“What was that?” L asked me.
“It is just late, and my mind is tired, and when it is tired I have a hard time controlling how much I think about him, wish we were still connected, want to be connected…” Was my pitiful sounding, but honest response.
“Why are you still friends with him?”
“I don’t really have a reason not to be…”
“What about protecting your heart?”
What about protecting my heart? I had taken my disconnection as far as I could. No more emails, chats, texts, expectations. No more dreams, day dreams, journal entries, no more bringing up his name in conversation without context, no more reading the same books, but there was this one last connection across the fiber-optic wires that I hadn’t attended to. Occasionally a well timed update threw my willpower into the wind. L was right.
The small pointed finger hovered over the Unfriend button and I hesitated….
“What are you thinking?” L asked about the hesitation and worry on my face.
“What if this is it? What if he notices I unfriend him and then doesn’t contact me because he thinks I am not interested?” What if I close this last feeble door and have to admit that there is no secret acknowledgement of my existence from his end? That this really was always one sided?
Two questions came from L: “Do you really think that God is that small?” and “Have you ever seen He’s Just Not That Into You? I refuse to be the girlfriend that sits here and says ‘Maybe he is busy’ or ‘Maybe he just needs a little time,’ He knows how to get a hold of you if he wants to.”
Ouch. And thank you.
No more profile updates, no more status updates, no more knowing what was going on in his life without him telling me directly.
The same goes for Twitter. Nails in the coffin, deadbolts on the door.
The next day I realized how often my mind really did wonder about him. I wished it a little more temporary, but actions speak louder than words and his (lack of) action showed me that the disconnection was total from his side.
I don’t like being the girl that holds on to what ifs and maybes in the blatant and sometimes cruel face of reality. The new freedom feels good and not nearly as lonely as I feared.
I believe women are made for connection. I believe we feel deeply and unreservedly when we allow ourselves. I also believe that the severing of connection is painful and a process that takes longer than we like to admit.
For the sake of my heart.
For the sake of the maybe in my future.
For the sake of a great man that would never make me wonder about his intent, I pulled another weed in the unruly garden of my heart.
I write about it here wanting to place a disclaimer, wanting to say that I am not crazy, I am not a stalker, I don’t have a hard time getting over people. I am admitting that I let a connection go deeply without it being returned. I am not the only one. I am fearing judgment and ridicule at my misplaced feelings and barely controlled emotions, but I tell the truth – Love is not easily reconciled. I can not explain the depth that sometimes emerges, I can not explain the lack that persists without reason. I can not explain why hearts get broken and why some people have the power to be the breakers. I can not explain why one person would love so passionately and so deeply and could be looked in the eye and told the strength and depth is not returned.
Over the past few months I have heard the heartbreaking stories of ended marriages and ended engagements from three loving, good, dedicated people that were 100% committed. As the questions cross their faces and interrupt life, as the bitterness tries to take hold and is fought off with varying amounts of dedication, as the world continues to turn I wonder about this crazy thing called LOVE…